Television
Bum show
Ian Hislop
Getting the bit between the teeth, Jilly Cooper's Riders' said the continuity announcer and then added 'in more ways than one.'
It was kind of her to alert the viewers to the presence of some double-entendre, though I was not sure from the syntax whether she meant the mildly dirty 'riders' pun or the rather more graphic 'bit between the teeth' one. Probably the former. There was certainly a suggestion of oral sex about half-way through this episode but on the whole it stuck to the more conventional for- mula of televised tit and bum. Riders (ITV, Friday, 9 p.m.) may be on after the water- shed but it is still meant to be good, clean, dirty, fun rather than something to get the Broadcasting Standards Council worried.
I mention the sex first rather than say the acting, direction, characterisation or plot- ting because this is clearly where the appeal of the programme is meant to lie. The con- tinuity announcer called it 'a steamy saga' and the title sequence quickly introduced both a male and a female pair of buttocks. In the course of the next hour there were three more sex scenes, all involving the same man but achieving a little variety by displaying two different sets of women's breasts. It is quite difficult to make these scenes entirely boring and they probably rate as the most successful in the pro- gramme. The real problem comes when the actors put their clothes on and start talking. Only then can you see why the producers might want to keep the focus on the sex.
Despite having missed the previous episode I managed to pick the plot up fairly quickly. Rupert and Jake are show jumpers. And deadly rivals. Rupert has floppy blond hair and is an ex-public school bastard. Jake has less floppy dark hair and is a great gypsy guy. In this episode Rupert went to try and buy a very promising horse. As he said to his friend as they were driving down to see the horse 'Let's hope no one else has got to hear about it'. But guess what? Jake had got to hear about it and he had bought the horse first. Amazing. And you'll never guess what the horse is called? 'Revenge.' Later in the episode Rupert managed to buy the horse back, which meant he got selected for the British Olympic team rather than Jake. That's certainly revenge. And what a cliffhanger! What on earth could happen next? Well luckily there was a bit at the end of the programme called 'In Riders next week . . . ' which showed Jake finding the Olympic horse that Rupert used to ride but which Rupert had stupidly sold. So Jake could ride that one. Clever eh?
There were quite a lot of scenes of horses jumping over fences in slow motion. These were rather like the sex scenes (with the camera focusing on the horses' bums rather than the actors' bums) and were similarly helped by the fact that there was no dia- logue in them. When the woman playing Rupert's wife had to say things like 'Oh God Rupert' or I'm pregnant' then it became clear what an advantage this was. The woman playing Rupert's mistress was meant to be French so not only did she have to put on a silly accent but she was also made to preface her remarks with the phrase `ow you say?' The men fared little better. Jake had to explain that missel- thrushers are 'bad luck for Romanies' and make toasts To Revenge'. (The horse, you see.) Rupert had to sneer continuously at 'Gypo Jake' and say 'Nanny will deal with it' to his wife. Rehearsal must have been inter- esting for the actor playing Rupert. 'What's my motivation in this scene?' Er . . . You are being a bastard . .. in a sort of bastardy bastard way .. . like all the other scenes.'
There is a theory in literary circles that good books make bad television and that only bad books succeed on the small screen. Riders is however an identical experience in either medium. Whether you are spending August on the beach reading a Jilly Cooper novel or sitting at home watching one on television the verdict remains the same. As one critic wrote of the book: 'Marginally more interesting to look at than a face full of sand.'
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