No. 1232: The winners
Jacomo reports: Competitors were asked to provide an advertisement for a product named after a Shakespearian character. Shylock would have been astonished at his popularity — as a slimming tonic, a hair restorer, a padlock. lago handkerchiefs were discreet and insinuating (Maureen Mahon); the slogan for Jean Husband's fun party drink was `No Buts . . . It's Got To Be Clarence!'; there were Juliet pills to get you up in the morning and Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern memorial mugs; Portia's Potato Puree sounded delicious and Good King Malcolm's Sweet Milk of Concord worked wonders for indigestion. Long- shots Agrippa (denture fixative), Volumina (bra), Oberon (aphrodisiac eye-drop) and Osric (creamy smooth emulsion paint) fad- ed in the back straight. N.J. Warburton's Marc Antony Ltd, morticians and funeral directors, were edged out by his insurance company, which features among the win- ners, who receive £8 apiece.
You might as well admit it. All insurance policies have escape clauses in the small print. But before you give up and pick one at random, take a closer look at what we at Macbeth are offering. With Macbeth you claim for any accident brought about by anyone born of a woman and let's face it, who isn't? Yes, it Means just what it says. But if that doesn't convince you, why not give some thought to our 'moving grove' policy? Macbeth — the people who gave you Scottish Widows and Orphans. Security today for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
(N.J. Warburton) What's the point of being loaded if you're never sure whether your 'friends' are being nice to you because they like you or are simply sucking up to you because your middle name's Onassis? In- vesting in the latest Lear Lie-Detector is an in- finitesimal price to pay for the certainty of separating the smooth-talking phoneys from the steel-true stammerers who, just because they can't heave their hearts into their mouths, go all too often unregarded — and therefore unreward- ed — in this all too wicked world. It's nice being a sugar-daddy — nicer still knowing your sugar really loves you . . .
(Robin Ravensbourne) influence your friends (and enemies) without their knowledge. send them a hidden message on Banquo Bond subliminal notepaper guaranteed equivocal. now they see it, now they don't.
Glamis Paper Co. Scotland (L. O'Toole) Do your walls have ears? Ensure privacy in the home by installing Polonius tapestry curtains interwoven with electronic filaments possessing highly sensitive acoustic properties. Instant warning of eavesdroppers and interlopers is guaranteed. Proof against moles and rodents. Washing with soft soap and distilled water removes the darkest stains. As used in the Kremlin, White House, Quai d'Orsay, Swiss banks, Interpol, Buckingham Palace, and Number Ten, Downing Street. All orders han- dled in strict confidence and fitted by certified Danish craftsmen.
(Desmond) Ask your tailor. The elegant world is at last returning to the button — and the Lear Button in particular — after the long infamous reign of the unreliable zip. 'Pray you undo this button' — a cry for help from the aged Lear — is a reassurance to all those who have experienced the zip which will not close before joining the ladies at the end of an important dinner party. The Lear Button is fashioned to hold tight in all cir- cumstances.
(G. Greene) Mr Shylock wants you to take a cut!
There's nothing so tasty as a pound of Mr Shylock's prime meat — cut into just the right portion for you! Just one pound of Mr Shylock's fine fillet of steak is worth more than three thou- sand ducats! That's because he knows just where to cut the tenderest, flavour-fullest fillet you'll ever enjoy . . .
Choose a pound of Mr Shylock's own cut to- day, cut by Mr Shylock. himself from exactly the right spot, and weighed for you! He'd have no other for himself — his bond on it! Need one say more?
(T. Griffiths)
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