COMPETITION

No. 612: Omnium gatherum

Competitors are invited to incorporate the titles of eight current West End plays in a piece of verse which shall not be wholly inconsequent. Limit fourteen lines but, other things being equal, the shorter the better. Entries, marked 'Competition No. 6I2,' by 24 July.

No. 609: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked to provide proverbs more in tune with the: 1970s than some we are used to. In the large entry (one competitor sent in forty- eigittproverbs) I found no set of three all of whilst were bull's-eyes, but this is not to say that the general level was not high. It was- %ery high, and some of them deserve better than the fragile mortality of this column. kfy first intention was to print a miscellany of readers' entries with extracts from Auden and Kronenberg's Faber book of aphorisms, and ask you to decide which were which iwith the attributions in another column). But these new proverbs merit all the space for themselves. The selection printed below earn ten shillings each (more than some of Auden's wits got for theirs, I dare say). I am glad to see a few new names among the winners:

I here's no smoke without cancer.

Amenity is in the eye of the householder.

Lionel Wollenberg

It's a wise child that knows its own donor. \,lini-skirts hide bad complexions.

No one carries a torch for a battery hen.

Martin Fagg

It's a good teacher who can spell dedication.

I)octors and dockers work the same grab.

G. J. Blundell

liven an Astronaut has to keep his feet on !he ground. William Hodson

Football, like all sports, is merely a practice for the real thing. R. A. Dutton

You get no more time with a caesium clock.

IV. J. Webster A tin-opener is a good kitchenmaid but a poor chef.

The wise pollster believes no one's opinions but his own. E. 0. Parrott A miss is as good as 1.60934 kilometres.

M. Crooks Man cannot live by bed alone.

One man's meet is another man's demo.

Edward Samson In the land of the psychotic, the neurotic is king.

An electric toothbrush is a poor present for a man with no teeth. George ran Sehaick Where topless ends, bottomless soon begins. Frequent strikes soon empty the matchbox.

Frontal nudity does not conceal poor con- struction. J. S. B. Adams No opinion poll ever marked a ballot paper. Even a New Christian can't abolish God.

It may come from the moon but it's still dust for all that. Ian Kelso

First catch your ambassador....

Peter Wharton A pill a day keeps the midwife away.

P. M. and Vera Tel/er Two's company—three's fun. Adam Khan Holiday motoring may be jam yesterday and jam tomorrow, but it's always jam today.

C. L. Bundela A gas cooker never blows a fuse.

Only the best salesman can sell an electric carving knife to a vegetarian.

George Prescot Every cloud has a strontium lining.

As a man makes his tax return so must he lie.

T. Griffiths

BST doesn't make a summer. N. J. Rock

Out of sight, out of orbit. Faye Ainscow

I should add that several others would have won (eg Adam Khan's 'Game birds often lead to shotgun marriages' and Rufus Stone's 'Preggers can't be choosers') if they had applied with more than usual force to the 1970s. Finally, too many entrants sent in 'A miss is as good as a male' for me to award it a prize.