YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. An elderly person I know well has the habit of talking with her mouth full of food. I know we all do it from time to time, but this person talks at length like this, disguis- ing nothing, and I haven't the heart to tell her that it's revolting. She is not so old that she doesn't know what she is doing, just a little ill-mannered. What can I do?
Name and address withheld A. Ask the old lady to lunch along with another friend, let's call him John, with whom you have a close, bantering relation- ship and who will agree to collude with you In resolving this matter. As you all sit down to eat, and before any food has been served, draw attention to the fact that you have Placed a large vase of flowers directly in front of John's face. In teasing tones say, 'We all enjoy your company, John, but I'm sure none of us wants to see the contents of your mouth churning round while you're talking!' John can respond by chuckling good-naturedly, but that he talks with his mouth full, I'M promising to make a special effort to control his manners on this occasion. He can then go on to open up a debate on speaking with one's mouth full, and the old lady will be free to air her views. She may say, 'What a load of rubbish. Nobody minds that sort of thing these days', at which point those pre- sent can round pleasantly on her, saying, Oh, don't you mind it? I think it's revolting!' Q. A neighbour of mine regularly pulls rank when I go over to admire his extensive gar- dens. He whirls around to stare up at the sky each time a helicopter comes clattering overhead, saying, 'Who on earth's that? I'm not expecting anyone.' On the most ludi- crous recent occasion he and a friend who was staying with him both performed the reflex, explaining, 'We are expecting our therapists.' How can I put him in his place?
Name withheld, Chagford, Devon A. -Next time it happens look at your own watch and gasp, 'Actually, it's someone for me. I must get back!'
Q. I am currently underemployed and have to budget carefully. Most of my friends, meanwhile, are in banking and advertising and have no limits to their cash-flow. When telephoning such people from my country- side eyrie, how can I, without drawing embarrassing attention to the disparity in our incomes, encourage them to ring me back at their own expense?
S.G., Caine, Wiltshire A. Tune your radio to static before making your calls and leave it on in the back- ground. When your interlocutor complains say, 'Yes, it's the line, but it only seems to happen when I ring out. Would you like to ring me back?'
Q. A friend of mine is a leading artist whose works command in the region of £400,000 and upwards. He is a regular dinner guest at my house but so far has refused to co-oper- ate when I attempt to play paper and pencil games after dinner. Can you think of any other way in which I might exploit the poten- tial commercial value of this relationship?
Name withheld, New York A. At your next dinner party serve choco- late mousse on flat white plates for the pudding course. Clear the plates away before your friend has had a chance to scrape his own one fully clean. Resolutely refuse to let him help you with the washing- up. By pressing slightly dampened cartridge paper into the residual pattern in his plate you will be able to run off a series of limited- edition prints to bring in some welcome funds to boost your income.
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