Television
On the ball
Wendy Cope
Irarely watch football or glance at the sports pages but I had acquired some background information before switching on Match of the Day Live (BBC1) on Sunday. It was provided by one helpful friend and it can be summarised as follows. Tottenham Hotspur are the best team. Their motto 'Audere est facere' is very appropriate, unlike the names of their players, who are mostly called Hoddle, Waddle and Toddle. (`There isn't a Tod- dle,' he says irritably, every time I make this joke.) Arsenal, on the other hand, are terrible. In the last few months this boring bunch of no-hopers has somehow reached first place in the league table, thereby depriving Spurs of their rightful position at the top of everything.
Just in case any Arsenal supporters read the Spectator (although if the things I have been told about them are true, this does not seem at all likely) I had better add that I realise my source is biased. However, I did allow myself to be persuaded that the live coverage of the 100th North London derby was going to be the most unmissable programme of the week. By the end of last week I was actually looking forward to it and quite downcast when it looked as if it would be called off because of the strike.
My first disappointment was that there wasn't enough build-up and razzmatazz. I had expected, on such an important occa- sion, a long stretch of scene-setting and studio discussion to help me get in the mood. Apparently you get more of that sort of thing on ITV. All we got on BBC1 was five minutes of Jimmy Hill (who looks astonishingly like Bruce Forsyth these days) and Trevor Brooking (who looks as if he should be smoking a pipe and starring in a 1950s war film). Trevor thought Spurs would win and Jimmy plumped for Arsen- al. By the time we went over to White Hart Lane the teams were coming out onto the pitch. After the match I heard all about the parade of ex-players and how the crowd sang 'Nice One Cyril' for Cyril Knowles and gave Danny Blanchflower a standing ovation. I would have loved all that but they didn't broadcast it.
The second disappointment was the much-derided commentator John Motson. He seemed perfectly okay and didn't make me laugh at all. My friend thinks John Motson is a secret Arsenal supporter but I couldn't see much reason for going along with this. In some quarters, no doubt, he is thought of as a secret supporter of Ever- ton, Liverpool, Manchester City, Man- chester United and possibly even of Spurs. He has a difficult job.
But the match itself was pretty gripping, despite my limited understanding of what was going on. John Motson doesn't have time to explain the rules for the benefit of people like me, so I am still confused about offside and corners and free kicks and whether a professional foul is better or worse than an unprofessional one. It didn't matter. I still got caught up in the atmos- phere and, if not actually roaring with the crowd, was at least bouncing up and down on the settee when Mitchell Thomas finally put one away for Spurs. By this time, I am afraid to say, Arsenal had two goals to their credit. 'Tottenham have impressed me today,' commented Bobby Charlton, 'because they haven't thrown in the towel even though they've been under the gun.' Absolutely. In the second half there were no more goals but Spurs kept looking as if they might score one any minute and the crowd roared and chanted even louder. It wasn't possible to catch many of the words and I realised, when I was told what the Spurs fans had been calling Charlie Nicho- las, that it was probably just as well.
At six o'clock one dejected Spurs sup- porter arrived at my front door and we watched edited highlights on the video, leaving out the bits where Arsenal scored. I said it was a pity there hadn't been any interviews after the match, with people saying they felt sick as a parrot or over the moon. Nowadays, I was informed, they don't say those things any more. They say, 'Well on the day, Barry, it just didn't seem to go right.' Next time I decide to watch a football match I shall pick one on the other channel. I don't just want to see the action — I want all the trimmings as well.
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